Monday, July 10, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Best Man Speech 001
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – For those of you that don’t know I’m John, Paul’s younger, non-committal brother. There’s our mum & dad (Don’t they just look so…..hmm…… grateful!)
It is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. It’s a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
Particularly now she has sadly passed away…..
Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Paul, by email, if it's not.
When I told Jenny I was best man, her reaction was “You cant you’ll ruin his day”- Bit harsh with the name calling, but generally quite astute…..
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Paul the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Sarah's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Paul.
4 years ago Sarah met the man of her dreams, and shortly afterwards Paul: It was no surprise, when a few months ago during a romantic dinner just down the road at the Italian restaurant, Paul bent down to pick up a nice piece of garlic bread he surprisingly dropped…Sarah jumped to conclusions and…well here we all are today!
I'd like to really start by saying what a genuine honour it is to be Paul's best man today. I appreciate that I am just one of many equally suitable close employees & workmates that he could well have chosen, but I know he looks upon me as the older brother he never had. When it came to writing this speech I wasn’t short of material. Although most of it I’ve had to edit, throw away, burn or hand over to the police to help them with their enquiries. This is what’s left over….
So here I am stood up here with this great opportunity to reveal to all, Paul’s past misdemeanours. FORNICATION….Sorry FOR AN OCCASION such as this I could trot out the usual stories; like when he woke up in a Bangkok jail wearing Jimmy’s red thong and swimming goggles. Instead, I’ve decided to use this time to talk of Paul’s achievements, so you needn’t worry, we’re almost at the end of the speech. Without doubt his greatest achievement is marrying Sarah, who looks absolutely stunning today. Paul has scrubbed up quite nicely too – it’s amazing what a flannel and a bar of soap can do. I do however think it’s a bit thoughtless of him to have copied my outfit! You’ve done extremely well Paul, you’ve found someone who’s beautiful, charming, intelligent, down-to-earth… and puts up with your late nights in cyberspace. And Sarah, well- you’ve found Paul. Who said marriages had to start out balanced! Paul’s second greatest achievement also happened today, and that was keeping his appointment, on time, in the right country and resisting what must have been an intense desire to wed online.
But despite the fresh air, daylight and comfort he’s suffered, it’s been well worth the effort to surgically remove his laptop. As it was quite challenging coming up with a third achievement I thought of getting some visual help by asking our Dad, Tom, if he had any cute pictures of Paul when he young. I got a puzzled look and the confused reply; ‘Pictures yes, cute no!’ Dad did remind me that as a child, Paul is fondly remembered for always asking question after question. And this morning, a little of that child returned to him, as when I passed the bathroom door I overheard him saying, 'Why me, Lord? Why me? Whyyyy???' I do believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Paul. It will teach him loyalty, self-restraint and control, and develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had just stayed single.
I knew Paul when he was little (obviously) and I lost count of the number of times a grown-up remarked, ‘He’ll go far, that Paul.’ Secretly jealous, I used to punch him repeatedly in the head. Adolescent rivalry aside, I can see that the adults were right and Paul has indeed done very well for himself. There’s the great career, his success at International level on the sports field, his world-beating collection of internet porn, and now of course, his perfect wife.
I must point out again the bridesmaids look wonderful and performed their role fantastically well, despite the inevitable and healthy rivalry that can sometimes occur. Just before the service I overheard a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the best man. “Understandable!”, I thought - until I got closer and heard them saying, 'You!', 'No…. YOU!'.
On behalf of those bridesmaids and myself, I would like to thank Sarah and Paul for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their unique and special day. I know they have both put a tremendous amount of effort in to forcing Andrea to organise this wedding ceremony, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded their expectations.
I’ve also been asked to thank everyone on behalf of Paul and Sarah for the wedding presents you’ve so generously donated. For a wedding gift I wanted to give my brother something he genuinely needed, but it’s such a struggle figuring out how to wrap up a bath. You’ll notice seating plans have been decided based upon how much you all spent, so if you can hear me at the back, Greg, the happy couple thanks you for the oven glove.
There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff.
Ladies and gentlemen, it now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Sarah- Mr and Mrs Smith Junior. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy marriage. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. The Bride & Groom!!!!
It is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. It’s a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
Particularly now she has sadly passed away…..
Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Paul, by email, if it's not.
When I told Jenny I was best man, her reaction was “You cant you’ll ruin his day”- Bit harsh with the name calling, but generally quite astute…..
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Paul the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Sarah's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Paul.
4 years ago Sarah met the man of her dreams, and shortly afterwards Paul: It was no surprise, when a few months ago during a romantic dinner just down the road at the Italian restaurant, Paul bent down to pick up a nice piece of garlic bread he surprisingly dropped…Sarah jumped to conclusions and…well here we all are today!
I'd like to really start by saying what a genuine honour it is to be Paul's best man today. I appreciate that I am just one of many equally suitable close employees & workmates that he could well have chosen, but I know he looks upon me as the older brother he never had. When it came to writing this speech I wasn’t short of material. Although most of it I’ve had to edit, throw away, burn or hand over to the police to help them with their enquiries. This is what’s left over….
So here I am stood up here with this great opportunity to reveal to all, Paul’s past misdemeanours. FORNICATION….Sorry FOR AN OCCASION such as this I could trot out the usual stories; like when he woke up in a Bangkok jail wearing Jimmy’s red thong and swimming goggles. Instead, I’ve decided to use this time to talk of Paul’s achievements, so you needn’t worry, we’re almost at the end of the speech. Without doubt his greatest achievement is marrying Sarah, who looks absolutely stunning today. Paul has scrubbed up quite nicely too – it’s amazing what a flannel and a bar of soap can do. I do however think it’s a bit thoughtless of him to have copied my outfit! You’ve done extremely well Paul, you’ve found someone who’s beautiful, charming, intelligent, down-to-earth… and puts up with your late nights in cyberspace. And Sarah, well- you’ve found Paul. Who said marriages had to start out balanced! Paul’s second greatest achievement also happened today, and that was keeping his appointment, on time, in the right country and resisting what must have been an intense desire to wed online.
But despite the fresh air, daylight and comfort he’s suffered, it’s been well worth the effort to surgically remove his laptop. As it was quite challenging coming up with a third achievement I thought of getting some visual help by asking our Dad, Tom, if he had any cute pictures of Paul when he young. I got a puzzled look and the confused reply; ‘Pictures yes, cute no!’ Dad did remind me that as a child, Paul is fondly remembered for always asking question after question. And this morning, a little of that child returned to him, as when I passed the bathroom door I overheard him saying, 'Why me, Lord? Why me? Whyyyy???' I do believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Paul. It will teach him loyalty, self-restraint and control, and develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had just stayed single.
I knew Paul when he was little (obviously) and I lost count of the number of times a grown-up remarked, ‘He’ll go far, that Paul.’ Secretly jealous, I used to punch him repeatedly in the head. Adolescent rivalry aside, I can see that the adults were right and Paul has indeed done very well for himself. There’s the great career, his success at International level on the sports field, his world-beating collection of internet porn, and now of course, his perfect wife.
I must point out again the bridesmaids look wonderful and performed their role fantastically well, despite the inevitable and healthy rivalry that can sometimes occur. Just before the service I overheard a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the best man. “Understandable!”, I thought - until I got closer and heard them saying, 'You!', 'No…. YOU!'.
On behalf of those bridesmaids and myself, I would like to thank Sarah and Paul for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their unique and special day. I know they have both put a tremendous amount of effort in to forcing Andrea to organise this wedding ceremony, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded their expectations.
I’ve also been asked to thank everyone on behalf of Paul and Sarah for the wedding presents you’ve so generously donated. For a wedding gift I wanted to give my brother something he genuinely needed, but it’s such a struggle figuring out how to wrap up a bath. You’ll notice seating plans have been decided based upon how much you all spent, so if you can hear me at the back, Greg, the happy couple thanks you for the oven glove.
There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff.
Ladies and gentlemen, it now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Sarah- Mr and Mrs Smith Junior. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy marriage. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. The Bride & Groom!!!!
